Locations
I hate the holidays. Or, rather, the holidays are driving me to hate them. Rapidly. From the infamous Overruns and Fights to the Death at Wal-Marts and Kohl’s stores, to ex-boyfriends shipping me really bad selfies, to my best friends texting me the day before the event to ask if I saw their Facebook message thread about going out (no, I didn’t, I have a thing, it’s called a kid, I have another thing, it’s called a life), to my parents’ deeply disturbing remarks: “We don’t read your articles since it’s fantasy, honey, but we do enjoy the Comments,” . . . Yep, I’ve just about had it with the season.
Figuring I’m not the only one in pain, I decided to put my choking rage to good use and compile an Emergency Holiday Spellbook of everything Magical you might want handy in the pockets of your wizard robes during the next week. Serenity Prayer? Who needs it! Stock your mana reserves, and get ready to sling liberally at your next family function. Let the Emergency Holiday Spellbook be your arsenal in the battle for personal sanity.
MOXYMTG’S EMERGENCY HOLIDAY SPELLBOOK
In case of emergency: Break binding, pray to Cthulhu, and copiously sprinkle bat guano.
Turn // Burn
Downsize those weirdos so they can’t hurt you. And yep, you’re gonna need those shocking quick quips to hold your own against jealous cousins and condescending in-laws.
Silence
Great for the showoff who has everything except a sense of discretion—or for small yappy dogs who don’t like you.
Order of Succession
Great for expressing sibling rivalries in a productive way, especially when there’s inheritance at stake. Don’t lie; you’re dying to get your hot little hands on the RV and the worm farm.
Personal Sanctuary
When it comes to the time of night when everyone starts dredging up decades-old vendettas, you’ll want this beauty online.
Annul
Is it one of those years when there’s a certain toxic person trying to charm you into giving him or her more of your time? Don’t cave just because it’s the holidays. Counter the cheap bling, have your friend Snapcaster step in, and then counter the cheap smooth talk, too.
Snow Fortress
Homophobic aunt? Drunken, lecherous uncle? Drop this, pump it full of mana, and tell ’em all to “talk to the hand”—except, in this case, the hand is now a Gigantic Face-Eating Wall of Death.
Icy Manipulator
Is your father . . .
- . . . in the living room, wearing a cowboy hat and loudly reciting lines from the movie Gettysburg . . .
- . . . at the buffet, telling intimate details of your failed first marriage to total strangers . . .
- . . . on the couch, snoring and sleep-farting with guests still around?
Just make it stop with this classic, stylish orb—it’ll elegantly handle anything dad “accidentally” dishes out this year.
Vraska the Unseen
The perfect ringer date for that awkward holiday party. Two-faced friends, adulterous exes, and passive-aggressive coworkers beware . . . Vraska is here to finesse the situation and make sure all have the kind of night they deserve.
Volition Reins
Unorthodox, but I suggest using this on the punch bowl or whatever liquor source is at hand. After all, in vino—or eggnog—veritas. It’s like a game of Civ. Whoever controls the resources controls the world.
Thought Hemorrhage
Use on yourself for worst-case scenarios at family gatherings: when you’ve seen something you just can’t unsee.
Tree of Redemption by Vincent Proce
Also in this article: Radha, Heir to Keld and Macabre Waltz by Jim Murray, with Santa hats by @GUDoug. Thank you to all who responded on Twitter with holiday-card-art ideas.
Till next time, may Magic be your tinsel-draped worm farm—wait, I mean wurm farm—Muahahaha, muahahaha, muahahahahaha . . . !
-MJ
